you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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