I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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