oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize