you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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