Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
