I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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