you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
