some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
