I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
How external is "for external use only"?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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