Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
