my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
