I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
