It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
True strength comes from lack of pants
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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