just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
