You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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