Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
