make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
