You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
