____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
