EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
