I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
