if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
