When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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