Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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