Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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