sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
