Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize