please come you make the beer taste better
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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