Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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