My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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