I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
