Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
