I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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