I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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