When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
