Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
