I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
