You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
