On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
