If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
