Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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