I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
