WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
