From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
