Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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