Need sex. Gaining weight.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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