im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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