: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
