Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
