I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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