3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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