you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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