I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I had to cum in my sink.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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