My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
