true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
